Autumn Montana

luckystars ˚⟡˖ ࣪

10th July 2026

A Debt

 On a windless night, deep in the Adirondack winter, the stars brushed against a moonless sky, awaiting the return of the Cabin Woman.

It was a trudging, snow-encrusted journey, shepherding her beloved fox coven home every night. This season had been especially brutal- shuttering her windows with thick panes of ice, Jack Frost himself pushing his fingers through the cracks between the logs to sample the warmth of an ever-burning fireplace.

Tonight, however, the Woman was late.

Through the increasingly frantic flurry of snowflakes, she watched the last gas-lit spark disappear through the cabin window. A glass shard embedded itself in her heart, and she yipped towards the skulk, urging them to move faster.

Please, she whispered towards the guardian pines, sagging with snow drifts above the roof, hold out a moment longer.

She’d been careless, foolish, this year. Her luck was running thinner and thinner each time she dallied, and the final thread was about to snap; she was sure of it.

Gripping the frozen metal latch, she pulled open the barn door, counting each white-tipped tail as they scurried inside, ensuring the kits were safe with their mothers. They snuggled up against hay and afgans and each other's fur, huffing happy squeaks at the comfort of home, of the joy of the pack. She struck a match against her boot and cupped it toward their lantern, praying for their safety tonight.

The cabin had gone stygian- the darkness moving in so completely it nestled between her ribs, whispering its warning through her hair. She bolted the door behind her, but the scratching had already begun.

She tugged her lamp from its place and ducked under one of the windows to count her matches. They tumbled from the box, wedging themselves between the gaps in the hardwood floor she had meant to fix last fall.

SCRRRITCH

Behind her back, the wall shuddered as claws or teeth scraped their way across the cabin walls, inching up to the window.

Flattening against the floor, she stuck out her boot, hooking it around her near-empty kerosene can and pulling it toward her.

Shaking hands fished a match from the floorboard, unscrewed the lamp and kerosene tin, and refilled the base.

tap, tAP, TAP

Steadying her breathing, she begged to the woods. Either this match lit, or they vowed to take care of her coven.

Scritch…

Fwoosh.

She closed the glowing lantern, stood, and hung it back in its place in the window. Breath caught in her throat, she closed her eyes and counted, not daring to peek outside, not yet.

1.

2.

3.

4.

The voice came, reverberating in her bones, dread gripping her temple, sealing her in place. Time is running out, lamp bearer. The sacrifice will be made.

Its hold released, and she shuddered, falling to the floor.

The yellow-glass eyes at the window blinked once, twice, then turned to the blanket of the night, enveloped in the snowflake halos of a winter storm.

Relief folded her in its arms, allowing the sobs that racked her body to flow, holding back the iron bars of grief for one more night.

--

The water had gone cold by the time she awoke in the tub. Constellations twinkled in the water; stars and the soft light of glistening snow illuminated her pale flesh in a silvery sheen that looked almost skeletal. She ran her hands over the surface, admiring the shimmering ripples over her fingertips, wishing she could bottle the stars forever.

She towled off near the last glowing embers of the fireplace, making a mental checklist for her supply run into town tomorrow, trying to decide whether the kits were finally strong enough to make the journey, when she heard a tiny, unmistakable yip.

She whipped her head to the lantern.

The light had gone out.

“NO!”

She screamed into the recesses of the night, throwing on boots and wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. A wave of nausea, of terror, of agony tore its way through her body, nearly knocking her to the ground as she grabbed her shotgun from its place above the fireplace.

Ripping open the door, frost threatening to blind her, she saw it.

The Beast-its massive dark figure huddled over the open barn door, a fox struggling in its gaping maw.

She fired a single shot into its chest, but the Beast didn’t flinch. It turned to her, fire in its eyes, something like a grin overtaking its muzzle.

“Please,” she sobbed, “take me instead. I'm ready. Please.”

Its jaws clenched, a horrible cracking sound ricocheting off the watching trees. Her fox stopped squirming.

You were given more time than most, lamp bearer, to repay your debt. You are too late.

The Beast disappeared into the windless night for the last time.

In a feeble hope, she inched towards the barn, longing to hear a cry, a whimper, a bark.

Nothing.

She sank into the snow, cocooned in silence. Tears freezing to her face, she begged the stars for an answer.

They sat in the sky, knowing what must be done, knowing what has always been.

She pressed the shotgun to her chin, thought of her foxes, and pulled the trigger.

24th June 2026

SAL-i

April 20th, 2055

"How many days has it been now, Sal-i?" I ask facing the window, a towel clutched around my still-damp body.

"It has been 234 days, 4 hours, and 3 minutes since you went into lockdown, Violet."

I sigh, gazing at the hellish landscape in front of me. The sun is red and hidden behind smog so thick you can barely see the streetlights, which are almost always on now. Where there used to be the faint outline of mountains to the north, there is only fog. I can't even see into my neighbors' windows anymore.

234 Days.

I sigh and lean my head up against the glass. There are no cars, no bikes, no dogs, or moms pushing happy toddlers in strollers. I watch a single plastic bag drift down the street, in and out of the smog, tumbling and twirling in the air as if dancing.

I toss my towel on the floor and grab the cleanest hoodie and pair of leggings I can find. Water rations dictate we're only allowed one 15-minute shower every week, so I try to make the clean feeling last as long as possible. Although from the sounds of my neighbors above me, not everyone is taking the water rations seriously. (30-minute daily showers and running their dishwasher? The absolute heathens.)

I braid my damp hair and walk over to my desk. My apartment is small- a sterile, white studio, separated into four equally sized quadrants. Next to the window, to the right, is my twin-sized bed, a rug, and my hybrid dresser-bookshelf. Behind it is the tube shower, toilet, and sink. To the left, near the window, is my work desk and government-issued computer. Behind that is my very small open concept kitchen. Sometimes I think my stove is upset with me. I haven't used it since I had my VitaTube installed two years ago in the space between my workdesk and kitchen.

I take a breath and settle into my desk, turning on my computer. When the shutdown happened, I got lucky with my Government Mandated Lockdown Roll and was assigned to New Age Truth Analysis and Present Editing. I had just graduated from University with my bachelor's in Journalism, so it was an easy transition.

I type in my username and password into the small black computer and log in to view today's assignments.

"Good morning, valued worker Violet Therring. Are you ready to begin today's assignment?" My Sal-i says from the speakers mounted in my ceiling.

"Yes, let's begin."

May 16th, 2055

I lean back in my chair, attempting to crack my back. I've been skipping my mandated fitness routines for 3 weeks now, and it's starting to manifest via aches in my joints and spine.

I look at the curtains behind my computer and type in a command. With a satisfying swoosh, my curtains swing open, revealing an aggressively orange splotch in the clouds I have come to recognize as the sun.

"Sal-i?"

"Yes, Violet? How can I assist you?"

"How are the air conditions today?"

On cue, a file pops up on my computer screen with today's time and date.

ENVIRONMENTAL MONITORING SYSTEM - REGION 7A

Automated Air Quality Report

Location: Denver, Colorado

Date: May 16th, 2055

Time: 06:14 MST

Alert Level: PRIORITY-RED

SUMMARY

Atmospheric conditions within the Denver Metro Zone have exceeded safe inhalation thresholds. Air quality is CRITICAL. Outdoor activity is not permitted.

READINGS

PM2.5: 412 µg/m³ - Severe contamination; rapid escalation noted.

VOCs: 1.8 ppm - Unidentified compound signatures detected.

NOx: 342 ppb - Atypical pre-dawn spike.

Ozone: 178 ppb - Unhealthy; inconsistent formation.

NOTABLE ANOMALIES

Metallic particulates detected; source unknown.

Visibility reduced to <1 mile, amber haze concentrated over downtown.

Synchronous sensor surges recorded at 04:32–04:41 MST.

PUBLIC HEALTH ADVISORY

LEVEL 3 WARNING: Stay indoors. Seal all openings. Activate filtration systems. Await further instruction from municipal authorities.

End of Report.

Generated by AIRWATCH-9.2 Autonomous Environmental Monitor

With a sigh, I shut the file and drag it to the little trash can at the bottom of my screen.

I thought it was getting better. I even saw a person outside the other day, in only a medical mask and goggles. I thought the sky turning from red to orange was an improvement, but everything I've read so far says it's only getting worse out there.

I click away from the article I'm proofreading (a critique on the Shutdown Riots happening in the south), and open my VitaTube ordering screen. A menu with today's approved breakfast options pops up, and I scroll.

VITATUBE - DAILY PROVISIONS MENU • Denver Metro Complex

Breakfast Modules

Nutripack Oat Blend (Maple, Plain, or Citrus)

Protein Squares (Vanilla-Chia / Cocoa-Greens)

Rehydrated Egg Fold

Crispfruit Cup (lab-grown apple, pear, melon)

Snacks + Add-Ons

GlowBars (Energy / Calm / Focus varieties)

Salted Grain Chips

Fruit Gel Squares

Electrolyte Brew (Berry / Citrus / Unflavored)

Comfort Cocoa Tube

Unavailable Today

Fresh produce items - “Supply delay. Please check back tomorrow.”

All dairy modules - “Cooling system recalibrating.”

I click on the Crispfruit Cup, type in my government ID and Apartment number, and moments later, a chime alerts me that it has arrived in my VitaTube.

I take it out of the small plastic box in my wall, and rip open the eco-packaging with a satisfying snap.

I frown. There's hardly anything in there today.

"Enjoy your breakfast, Violet!"

June 29th, 2055

I’m halfway through proofing an article on inter-machinism dating when a news alert flashes across my screen, swallowing the document whole.

[NEWSFLASH - DENVER METRO FEED]

[6.29.2055 | 09:14 MST]

[Auto-play Video Begins]

ANCHOR (V.O.):

“This is a Priority-Red bulletin. Denver AirWatch officials have confirmed a second atmospheric breach within city limits. Residents are advised to remain indoors and activate sealed-air protocols immediately.”

[CUT TO: Aerial footage - a dense, rust-colored haze rolling over the skyline]

ANCHOR:

“Visibility has dropped below half a mile in the northern districts, and sensors are reporting a renewed spike in unidentified particulates. Today’s readings surpass the May twenty-fifth event by nearly thirty percent.”

[CUT TO: Interview clip - a masked emergency analyst, voice distorted]

ANALYST:

“We don’t have a confirmed origin point yet. Whatever this is… It’s spreading faster than predicted.”

[CUT BACK TO STUDIO]

ANCHOR:

“The Department of Environmental Stability is expected to issue a full statement within the hour. Until then, remain sheltered. Under no circumstances should residents go outside.”

[FEED ENDS - screen returns to static text: PRIORITY-RED ALERT ACTIVE]

I type in a command to shut my blinds as the auto-filtration begins, and all drains and faucets are sealed.

The familiar weight of dread settles in my stomach as the paper reappears on my screen.

I shut off the computer, take off my clothes, and crawl into bed.

"Sal-i. Lights off."

July 10th, 2055

"Good morning, Violet Therring."

I wake with a start- a jolt of electricity ripping through my entire body as Sal-i plays my morning alarm. I squint against the simulated morning light and roll back over.

"Sal-i, alarm off."

"Good morning, Violet Therring," the too-sweet feminine voice repeats, "it is Saturday, July 10th, 2055. Here is what is on your agenda today."

I roll over, folding my pillow over my ears. "Sal-i. OFF."

I groan as she continues, and I swear her volume is higher than before.

“Daily Agenda for Resident Violet Therring. Date, June 29th, 2055. Issued by Municipal Wellness & Productivity System. Task One: Place all worn garments in the approved mesh bin and set it outside your door for the scheduled Bi-Monthly Textile Collection. Pickup begins at 08:00 am MST. Task Two: Complete and submit the final draft of your assigned paper, ‘Emergent Gene Editing: Promise, Protocol, and Public Trust,’ to your Direct Supervisor, Dr. Helen Marrex, by 12:00 pm MST. Failure to submit on time will result in an automatic performance evaluation. Task Three: Complete the mandated twenty-minute cardiovascular session. Note: Extended inactivity has been logged and forwarded to the Wellness Oversight Division for standard evaluation. End of Agenda. Have a good day, Violet!"

I take a deep breath, staring at my egg-white ceiling as a notification pops up on the wellness tablet fastened to the wall on my right. Rolling over, I can see that it has auto-updated with today's checklist.

The checklists started about two weeks ago, after I had missed 3 scheduled showers, 24 wellness exercises, 5 meals, and failed to turn in an edit.

For the second week in a row. Without notifying a supervisor.

Now, every day, Sal-i wakes me up, pre-orders my breakfast using the allotted rations to align with my nutrition goals, and (in collaboration with my neighborhood's Wellness and Productivity System) creates a list of ridiculous tasks for me to complete by the end of the day.

I take the tablet from the wall and stand in the center of my tiny apartment. Sal-i has decided that the windows have caused "significant detriment" to my mental health, and instead now projects a hyper-realistic scenic mountain view, weather, and time of day, accurately. Today it is showing an overcast, drizzly skyline, and I watch a bird fly from one end of the screen to the other, a smallish black cluster of pixels floating in the clouds.

"Ten minutes until scheduled pickup, Violet."

I toss the tablet on my bed and grab my mesh laundry bag from its place by the shower. My floor is littered with the very few white or grey cotton shirts, hoodies, leggings, sweatpants, and underwear I own. I've been living in a sports bra and undershorts for at least a week now. I shuffle to each of them, shoving them in the bag. I zip the bag and punch in the code to unlock my front door.

"Main entrance unlocked. 30 seconds before re-locking."

Propping open the door with the bag, I wait.

"20 seconds before re-locking."

I take a deep breath, savoring the still sterile but just different enough smell of the hallway, and notice no one else has their laundry put out yet. Maybe today.

"10 seconds before re-locking. Please ensure you are in your room and safely away from the door."

I scan the hallway. The identical doors, the faded deep grey carpet, the flickering blue-tinted ceiling lights.

Please.

"5.

4.

3.

2.

1."

I slide the bag to the right of the door and slip back inside my apartment, just as the door slams shut with enough force to rattle the cabinets.

August 29th, 2055

Sal-i inturrupts me just as I'm finishing my last set of push-ups for the day.

“Attention, Resident Violet Therring. Today marks one year since the Denver Municipal Shutdown Event. In recognition of sustained resident compliance and community resilience, the Department of Civic Community has authorized a Special Treat Allocation for all registered occupants. Your individual treat package has been delivered to your VitaTube unit and is available for immediate retrieval. All scheduled tasks and mandatory activities for the day have been temporarily suspended. Residents may now enjoy unstructured free time until further notice. Congratulations, Violet. Thank you for maintaining stability.”

One year. The realization reverberates in my chest, and I can't tell if it's the workout or the thought that takes my breath away. There's a whooshing sound as my "treat" is delivered. I stagger over, my breath still ragged and uneven. Opening the plastic lid, I take out a small white box, wrapped in a neat little bow with a ribbon. Inside is a small, round pink cake with a single, real strawberry in the middle.

I pluck the strawberry off and throw the cake and the box into the garbage chute.

August 30th, 2054

"I'm just not so sure about this, Vi." My dad says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I can understand where you're coming from- the stability of it and all, but a fully integrated Sal? I'm just not sure I trust all of this new tech yet. Especially not after this new fog rolled in."

"It's not just a Sal, Dad," I say through my mask as I pack the last of my boxes into the driverless cab. "It's a Sal-i. They're new and come standard with each apartment. I'm just lucky I got on the wait list before all..." I gesture vaguely to the blood red sunset on the horizon. "This happened."

"I suppose," he mutters, his gaze lingering on the sky. A look I don't recognize flashes across his face, and he inhales deep. "Why don't you just stay home for another year or so- wait it out? I know our townhouse is a little outdated, and Sal isn't quite up-to-date, but it's where you've grown up. I just think," he pauses, looking back at the house, "your mother and I just think. Well, that we'd all be better off sticking together."

I shut the car trunk and pause, a pang of grief starting to overwhelm me. I step over to him and pull him into a hug, for long enough that he can't see the tears in my eyes.

"I know, Dad, and part of me wishes I could just stay, too. But you know the deal. I only get one chance at this job, and the rules stipulate I have to live in government-built and approved housing."

"I know."

"I'll video call every day, Dad. I promise."

It takes all of my strength to step away from him. I know he is crying, too, but I pretend not to notice.

"I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too, Dad," I say, opening the passenger door. I wave to the window I know Mom is at, propped up in her hospital bed, watching the sunset.

"Love you, Mom."

October 17th, 2055

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I sit up in bed with my wellness tablet to look over my breakfast options for today.

VITATUBE - DAILY PROVISIONS MENU • Denver Metro Complex

• Grain Porridge (Standard)

Thin, lightly flavored. Fortified additives temporarily unavailable.

• Protein Crisp Bar (Single Flavor Only)

Compressed soy-base. Former varieties discontinued.

• Reheated Egg Substitute Cup

Reduced portion; texture variance noted.

• Fruit Gel Square

One per resident. Now made with synthetic fruit essence rather than fruit fibers.

• Warm Hydration Brew

Mildly sweetened water infusion. No electrolytes.

I sigh. At this point, I'd rather not eat at all. The food has become blander, and the portion sizes have only gotten smaller.

I select the grain porridge and hydration brew. I have to eat something, otherwise Sal-i will get her wires in a twist, and I'll be forced to watch those "Personal Health" videos again. I pull out a new shirt and sweats from my drawers, eat my government-mandated slop quickly at my desk, then toss the garbage in the chute.

I type in my username and password into my computer, a few hours earlier than usual, eager to get today's paper over with.

As my computer boots up, something different flashes on my screen. A picture in the top left corner, taking up about a corner of the screen. A vast field with pale-yellow grass and elk scattered in the foreground. In the back is a cloudless, pink and gold sunset outlining a snow-capped mountain range.

I pause, daring a glance at one of the four cameras mounted above me, used to monitor my habits. We’re rarely allowed to see photos, outside of news broadcasts or health and wellness training. Could it be a glitch? I consider alerting Sal-i so she can scan for any malware, but push the thought aside as I notice smatterings of small purple flowers in the foreground.

I click on it, and it expands, pulling up a page featuring the photo with a block of text underneath it. It’s nothing like the articles I proofread. Instead of the bright white editing screen I’ve become accustomed to, this one is all black, the text a harsh green.

A recent study by UCCS graduate students has revealed a near-miraculous finding: local fauna are returning to the grasslands of Colorado’s northernmost regions. This comes as a shock, after only

My screen goes black.

“Apologies, Violet. It appears your intranet work portal is currently down for scheduled maintenance. The system should be up and running again at 10 am. Until then, why don’t you take your scheduled shower and utilize this time to clean and sanitize your living quarters?”

I try to turn my computer back on, but it is unresponsive. It must be an old article. Or was it sent to me by mistake? There can’t be animals this far north. The residue from the smog has killed almost all vegetation, and I haven’t seen so much as a pigeon in the last year.

The screen where my window used to be is showing a city skyline at dawn, the same it shows almost every morning. I lean over my desk and peel up the canvas material from the wall, where it has been magnetized. I’m able to get a corner up, but behind it is dark. I stick a finger in, finding a hard metal backing.

“Sal-i?”

“How can I assist you, Violet?”

“Remove my window screen and open my curtains. Please.”

“I’m afraid access to your in-unit window has been revoked by your Metro Complex supervisor. If you are unhappy with the view, there is a variety of scenes available.”

The screen shifts to a rainforest in the middle of a thunderstorm. Then a moonlit prairie at night. Then a sunny, palm-tree-speckled beach with a striking blue sea.

I stand up quickly, my chair squeaking in response, and move over to the window.

“Sal-i. Open the curtains.”

“I’m sorry, Violet. Your access is denied.”

I pull at the canvas of the screen. It doesn’t budge. I grip harder, my fingers aching with the effort. Something makes a popping noise, but the screen still doesn’t move. My vision gets blurry with tears.

“Please abstain from attempting to remove your screen. Any damages caused will be reported to your supervisor, and your rations may be docked as a result.”

I grit my teeth. “It's my apartment, which I have paid for. That I chose. That I invested my savings in. I have every right to do as I please in my apartment.”

“My apologies, Violet, but I am afraid this Complex, as well as your unit inside it, is owned and maintained by the Denver Metro Complex and its subsidiaries. Under your residential agreement it is stated that no changes may be made to your unit without the agreed upon written consent from your Metro Complex Supervisor.”

“Then call my fucking Complex Supervisor!” I shake the screen, my frustration bubbling past my throat and coming out in a scream-wail.

“I have detected unauthorized erratic behavior. Please return to your bed and wait for your wellness pills to be delivered. Would you like to try a breathing exercise, Violet?”

Grabbing my desk chair, I fling it at the screen. As it bounces off with a clang and hits the floor, the power in my apartment shuts off.

November 2nd, 2055

They’re putting the “wellness pills” (horse tranquilizers, if I had to guess) in my meals now. If I don’t eat them, I’m not allowed my entertainment or intranet rations.

I spend almost the full day sleeping, woken only for a few hours by Sal-i to do an hour of work, 20 minutes of exercise, and to watch the mandatory news program. As today's broadcast flicks on (worsening air conditions, species extinction threats, and more riots), I turn it down and go back to bed.

December 1st, 2055

Today is Dad's birthday, but I don’t have enough rations to send him a cake.

Sal-i won’t let me video call people anymore anyway.

Sorry, Dad.

December 9th, 2055

I got up early again today to see if any new messages had gotten through, but found my computer dead. I haven’t seen anything since the Elk picture, but I still try every few days.

“Sal-i, is there an electrical problem in the building?” I look at the wires behind the monitor, making sure they’re plugged in.

“There have been no electrical anomalies detected, Violet.”

“Okay, can you help me turn my computer on then?”

“It has been decided by your Wellness Supervisors that your screen time be temporarily limited until your mental health improves. All work assignments and news articles will be received and submitted via your VitaTube until further notice. Have a great day, Violet.”

December 13th, 2055

I got a letter in the VitaTube today. Mom passed.

There won't be a funeral; they’re going to cremate her instead.

I still haven’t talked to Dad. Maybe he’ll come to the apartment if they let him inside.

December 25th, 2055

“Good morning. As a gift from the Denver Metro Complex, the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” will be broadcast to all devices at 1800 MST. Enjoy! Please note that rations have been reduced to aid in conservation efforts, and no holiday menu will be offered at this time. Merry Christmas, Violet Therring.”

Slipping out of bed, I climb into the shower, turning the knob as hot as it will go. Back against the steam-filled glass, I slide to the floor, sobs racking my ever-thinning body until I fall back asleep.

December 27th, 2055

I’m going to go now, I think.

When the door unlocks for laundry drop off. I’m going to go home.

My stomach roars at me as I gather a month's worth of laundry off the floor. I’ve been throwing away my meals. The crushed-up pills have been making it too hard to think, too hard to stay awake.

"Five minutes until scheduled pickup, Violet."

I reach under the bed to find my shoes, body aching in protest, and slip them on.

I consider taking my now-defunct computer, but don’t move to retrieve it. Sitting on the bed, I stare at my biohazard of a room, the screen over my window, the meals rotting in my VitaTube on top of weeks-overdue work assignments.

I wonder what it’ll be like to breathe outside again. I wonder how far I’ll make it without a mask.

I grab my bag and type in the code to my front door.

"Main entrance unlocked. 30 seconds before re-locking."

I open the door to the hospital-like hallway and toss my clothes somewhere in the middle. Sal-i warns that the door will lock soon, and to step away from the hall. Closing the door behind me, I see the emergency exit sign flashing at the end of the hall.

Sirens blare as I push the door open and rush down the stairs, fighting against the pain in my legs and the urge to sit down to rest. I fling myself down level after level, my face cracking with a smile I haven't felt since I moved in.

I take one last breath of clean air and push the airlocked exterior door, which swings open with a squeal of protest. The light nearly blinds me, but I still see it.

A yellow sun against a blue sky. Cotton candy white clouds. Dead weeds in the cracks of the pavement. A tree budding new branches.

And a single pigeon, flapping against the breeze, wings beating into the endless horizon.

23rd November 2025

Doing the Laundry

I’m taking a button-up off the clothesline when my husband comes outside. He puts the linen shirt in my already half-full basket and takes my hands in his.

“I’ve bought you something.”

I leave the basket and clothespins outside in the grass and follow him back to our overgrown cottage.

“Close your eyes,” he says, tugging me behind him. I oblige.

I feel the familiar creak of wood beneath my worn boots as we cross the threshold.

“Alright. Open ‘em.”

As my vision re-adjusts, I look to the round wooden table in the kitchen. In the center, resting on a mass of powder-blue gingham fabric, is a small, glass bluebird.

“What do you think?”

I arrange my face into a placid smile- not too big, and not too fast. Slowly letting it spread across my face, then nodding a reply. Once, twice. That should be enough.

“Found it in town today. Isn’t it just the loveliest thing?” He stands by the table, hands on his hips, proudly peering down at it.

I have the sudden urge to snatch it up and move it as far away from him as possible. Instead, I gently walk over, the smile straining my cheeks, and cup it in my palm.

It is lovely. A perfect, transparent, true blue, with slight indents for the wings, and a large circular bottom to rest on. Turning it in my hand to savor its cool weight, I notice a chip on the bottom. I quickly cover it with my fingers and place the figure back on the table.

My eyes start to blur with tears as I turn to my husband, smile still fixed in place.

“Oh, honey, don’t cry.” He says, pulling me into a tight, breathless hug. Keeping my arms at my sides, I fiddle with my skirt, bunching it then smoothing it, then bunching it again. He pulls back to look at me, pity and glee smeared across his features. “Why don’t you finish up the laundry, hm?”


That night, I dream I am out in the tall grass with the laundry basket on my hip, yards of gauzy white fabric billowing in the wind. It is bright, but there is no sun. At the edge of the property, where the fence meets a pocket of oak trees, stands a man. Instead of a face, he has a mass of Van Gogh-esque dots for features. He breathes with me - in, out, in, out - and as I tilt my head, his moves in sync. I take the pins off the white fabric on the line, folding it into my basket. As he walks over, I take each sheet down one by one, knowing he will be here by the time I finish. I relish the feel of the slippery sheer fabric on my hands. I hold it to my nose. It smells like my childhood bedroom. I put the last of the fabric in my basket as he stands behind me.

“It will not continue like this.”

I turn. Past him, where the valley meets the mountains, rainclouds have gathered, bathing the field in a misty grey-blue. My eyes follow the sharp inclines of the mountains, the fluffy green trees, the pasture peppered with red and gold and purple from the budding wildflowers, stretching up, eager for the storm.

It wouldn’t happen now. It would be a drizzly, muddy day in March, after I’d forgotten to eat breakfast or stubbed my toe or the roof started leaking. It would be a moonless, stuffy August night, after the grass had turned to stiff, pale-yellow straw, and there was no breeze to rustle the curtains. It would be a day or night absent of beauty and peace, when there is nothing left of the world to appreciate.

I glance at the fabrics in the basket. They are gone. When I look back up, we are at the edge of the field. He is holding my hand.

“This is where it will happen. You must understand, it is non-negotiable now.”

I want him to tell me he is sorry, to say he is mistaken, and that he will wait. A desperate, urgent panic rips a hole in my stomach. I haven’t finished the laundry. I grip his hand tighter, but there is nothing there.


In the morning, I rise before my husband. I go outside, to the tall grass, where the fence meets the pocket of oak trees. It has rained. There, on the post, sits a single bluebird.

22nd November 2025

i hope it was joy.

I found her half-buried in the new November snow, smelling of something putrid and sickeningly sweet.

Her hand jutted out at an odd angle, pinky raised, bone showing beneath her silver fire-opal ring.

I bent near her side and tried not to breathe; her school uniform was torn apart where the animals had gotten to her, leaving her completely exposed. I shivered. I almost thought I saw her shiver, too. Her eyes were long gone (the first to go, I’d read somewhere), but I could still imagine her lying here, head on the mossy ground, green eyes heavenward as she took her last breath.

I looked up at the barren trees, lifeless and trembling in the wind. Crows watched from above, wary I might steal their leftovers. The sky was greying, clouding over with the promise of more snow.

I sat by her side, took what was left of her hand in mine, and watched the clouds roll in. I laid my puffer jacket on the ground as a makeshift picnic blanket and pulled out my school lunch. I watched the crows creep closer, eyeing my cookies and chips. I threw a crumb at them, above her head, and watched them fight over it, squeaking and cawing impossibly loud in the darkening, noiseless forest around us.

She sat up then, snow and leaves falling from her hair, her face impeccable - exactly how I remembered it, unchanged from before.

“Took you long enough,” she said, her voice far away. She took one of my cookies and sat cross-legged, leaning an elbow against my thigh as she broke it in half. She offered the other half to a one-eyed crow behind her. I exhaled.

“You didn’t leave a note. I didn’t…” Pause. Inhale. “I just wasn’t sure where to find you.”

“No. You didn’t want to find me.” Her voice had that classic, snarky bite to it - the way she spoke when she wanted to sound like she was joking, but you knew she was upset.

The breeze caught her perfume, musky and intensely floral. My stomach churned.

“Remember when we were little? We would drag blankets and pillows out here and build a fort. It was always so cold at night. How come we never just went home? You always insisted on staying out here all night.” She smiled to herself, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She ran her hands up and down her arms, trying to warm herself.

The snow started falling then. Gentle, perfect snowflakes, rhythmically dancing and gliding along the wind. She sighed.

“I’m so cold.” She laughed: short, hard.

I started giggling. A weird, panicky lightness spread through my stomach, up my chest, and into my throat. It was tight, and I was scared.

Then I was really laughing, from deep in my stomach. It hurt, but I couldn’t stop. Laughed as hot tears streaked down my face. As the laughs turned to sobs, to full-body wails that racked me, made my chest ache, and my head pound like a migraine. The noise startled the crows. They started flapping and squawking around us.

“Stop.”

I kept laugh-sobbing.

“I’m serious. Stop.” She wasn’t amused. She was angry, and maybe afraid. For me, or of me, I wasn’t sure. The crows were shouting now, screaming, their sounds mingling with the wind.

“STOP IT. THIS ISN’T FUNNY.”

I couldn’t breathe anymore. The laughs were choking me. The sobs turned into weeping, my body tight and cramping like I had just run a marathon.

I stopped laughing. She stopped yelling.

I don’t know how long I sat there, knees digging into the frozen ground, until the wind finally died down. The forest went silent, and I could breathe again.

The smell was back. Stinging my eyes, making me want to cough. I couldn’t look at her. I stayed on the ground, forehead to the dirt.

“You missed it,” I said finally. “The whole town was there. All the teachers and your old track coaches. Your piano teacher from when you were six. The food bank lady and that grumpy old man from the library who’d yell at us for playing dress-up games on the computer all night.” I half-laughed; a choking, rattling sound. “All your little cousins and your new niece. They even wheeled your grandpa out, though I’m not sure he knew what was going on.”

I expected her to tell me to shut up. She said nothing.

“The firemen came. The popular girls brought you yellow tulips. It made me laugh, you know, because you didn’t even like tulips. Like, at all. So I was there, front row, thinking about how mad you’d be about the flowers, and I started giggling. And my mom looked at me like, ‘What in the world is wrong with you,’ but she was too afraid to say anything. She hasn’t really talked to me much since then. I think she’s scared that if I think about it, I’ll want to do it too, or something.”

I rolled over to look at the sky. Twilight had started, and it was turning pink.

“Your mom cried the whole time, and every time she started, my mom would start crying all over again, too. Your dad just stared at the floor. I don’t think he breathed once.”

The sky deepened. Orange, purple, crimson.

“It was nice, though. You would’ve been proud.”

Inhale. Exhale.

The snow was catching on my eyelashes. I sat up, and she was back on the ground. The friend I used to know was gone again - tattered and lifeless.

I grabbed her hand, took her ring off, and slipped it in my coat pocket.

“I’m sorry. I know I can’t understand how you felt. But I hope, in those last moments, when your brain filled with all those chemicals and your life flashed before your eyes,” Inhale. Exhale. “I just... I hope the last thing you felt was joy. I hope you got that, at least.

I hope it was joy.”


22nd November 2025

The View from the Balcony

The new house wasn't a house. It was a second-floor walk-up apartment with a skinny red door that faced the alley, thin walls, and a neighbor who just had a baby. Two bedrooms. Two bathrooms. Six windows. A half-kitchen with a gas stove and a smelly fridge. And, my favorite, a hidden balcony that could only be accessed by the living room window.

Before we moved, I had spent hours imagining how I would feel in the new house, how I would decorate my new room. It would be small, so I pictured a cozy, warm-lit, vintage-inspired safe haven where I would spend my weekends reading and writing. I'd line succulents on the window sill, string fairy lights up around the ceiling, plaster posters and photos all over my walls, and get new bedding just for the occasion. Maybe I'd set up a small desk by the window, so I could people watch while I pretended to do my homework.

But we'd been there two weeks already, and all I had managed to do was put together my bed frame (by myself!) and drag my old Sleeping Beauty comforter out of my duffle bag.

Even though I managed to make my bed, if Mom was gone, I wasn’t sleeping. There was the issue of the door lock: the locks were busted, and Mom hadn’t had time to fix it yet because she was working overtime shifts to cover the cost of the security deposit. So I felt the need to be ever-vigilant. I’d wake up in a panic, throwing the blankets off like they were an intruder suffocating me. I’d gasp for air, trying to figure out where I was. Sometimes I’d wake up to the baby crying through the wall, the mother offering gentle, soothing hushes.

Once my heart stopped pounding enough for me to do my grounding exercises, I'd lay back down and watch the yellow streetlight filter in through my blinds, my faded pink blanket pressed to my nose so I could breathe in the old house smell that lingered. If I stared at the window or the streetlights or the purple-grey walls too long I'd get this far-away feeling in my stomach like I was laying in a hotel room or I woke up at a sleepover at a friends house who didn't really want me there, and wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

On this particular twilight I was out on the balcony because I couldn’t sleep, which meant I was thinking, which meant I was crying again. The last fading rays of daylight filtered orange through the rusted metal guardrail I was slouched against, and my legs itched despite the very plush blanket I’d laid down to cover the splinters (sorry, Mom). I liked to sit out there and feel sorry for myself, hidden in plain sight. That evening, I was crying because I missed my old home.

I missed the way it felt to lie in bed on Sunday mornings, the breeze coming in through open windows, making the origami cranes I’d strung up flutter. I missed the dandelion yellow curtains, the creaky radiator, and how my room was close enough to the kitchen to smell French toast, sausage links, and burnt bagels with chive and onion cream cheese. Dad, squeezing orange juice by hand as he rewatched Stand By Me for the billionth time.

But mostly, I missed Dad.

As I was treading the thought-whirlpool, the sun finally set and the cold began to waft in. I grabbed Mom’s blanket and was about to go inside when I heard cheering down the street.

"Momma, look look! Momma I'm doing it, do you see!"

"Yes! Good job honey!"

I leaned over the rail, the cold metal biting into my chest. A family of three turned the corner onto my street: Mom, Dad, and a little boy. The dad ran closely behind the blond kid, who was beaming as he pedaled faster and faster. The front wheel swayed left and right as he struggled to keep the handlebars straight. The mom fast-walked behind, her hand over her heart, a huge smile on her face. From my perch I watched them waddle their way down the street and turn the corner, their laughs echoing off of the pavement.

I stood there, listening to my breath as a melancholy flower bloomed in my chest. I wrapped the blanket tighter around me and sat back down, staring at the spot where they turned. A mental movie played in my head: Dad and me at the BMX track, where he taught me how to ride without training wheels for the first time. Him, running beside me in flip-flops, cheeks red from exertion, his hand on my back. Me, on my electric green bike, my purple helmet, my sparkly light-up Skechers.

He let go before I realized it. I pedaled forward, wobbling, screaming that I wasn’t ready, until I realized I was already doing it. Riding, on my own. He just smiled, hands on his knees, out of breath and proud.

That part was looping in my head: the letting go. The quiet, gentle faith he had in me that I could stay upright. That I could swim out of the current, even if it felt like I was drowning.

Down below, the cheers had faded. The streetlights flicked on. The movie in my head had ended, but it felt like Dad was right beside me.

I smiled, and the flower in my chest curled its petals inward for the night. Then I went to my room to unpack my boxes.